A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I wish there were birth control emojis
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
