Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
