i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
