If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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