There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
