Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
apparently the secret to your success is patron
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize