it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
