Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize