I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
