I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I don't deserve a penis
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Dicks are not precious.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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