Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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