he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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