I won't be sarcastic... just naked
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
