So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
