Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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