I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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