she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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