Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
