I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
