I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
