And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Someone came in the potted fern
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
