i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
