May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize