it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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