so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
