Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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