Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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