i permit you to call me
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
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