i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
