I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
