I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize