someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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