I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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