My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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