Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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