Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
