If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
