my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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