...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
