His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
