So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I think I have vodka in my lungs
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Oh god it's open bar.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
