There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
