Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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