I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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