You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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