Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
