i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
