my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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