The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
