he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
