My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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