She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize