I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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