can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
