I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize