I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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