wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize