Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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