i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
