dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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