So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
