my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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